Friday, April 26, 2013

sundry tomatoes

I am so tired and lazy all of the time that i must have mono. what is my problem exactly? and then when its night time is the time when i have the energy to do the things. and i never have the focus. i want to do the things! i want to do the hard things, the admirable things, the worthwhile things. i want to really dig down deep inside and get into the nitty gritty of the things. i want to harness my potential, utilize my talent, go above and beyond. reach for the stars and get straight to the heart of the issue. i want to be a little bit naughty. i want to get away with a few things. i want to savor the moment. i want to enjoy shirking off. if only i could enjoy the shirking of responsibility. being a bad friend. being a bad boyfriend, a bad son, and bad athlete. haha. i wish i could make the smells these africans make. i wish i could make any of these food smells. my food smells are just hot Costco smells. they signify nothing. they are a puzzle piece for my strangely shaped stomach. i wish i was a bird. i wish my legs were stronger. i am seemingly indestructible and in imminent danger. i want a vietnamese sandwich and a trip to vietnam. where is a better therapist than typing into a blog that no one reads. i want no one to read. i want to bare my soul. my bear soul. i am a polar bear. she is a jaguar.
i one time spent the night alone on a beach in spain. it was a romantic notion of a husky boy. i was woefully unprepared. i had my backpack, containing all my things, a liter of cheap spanish beer, crackers. i spoke no spanish. i don't remember the towns name but it wasn't famous or notable. it was just a town on the beach in spain. i got to the beach far too early in the day. it was still time for swimming. a group of boys played soccer. they talked to me and i told them i planned to sleep on that beach that night. i was determined for adventure. i remember it being pretty scary. i broke off from some english speaking people on the bus i took to the town. they didn't want the same adventure i did. i walked through the town during the day and there was a depressing project full of very dark african people. i didn't know about that diaspora then, i thought it was just some weird anomaly, but it scared me just like everything in the world scares me.
i went in the water for a while. which was dumb. the night was salty and scratchy. but it was part of the adventure. the doing of whatever i wanted. my sister was nine years old at the time. my grandmother had died a few months ago when i was in scotland. i didn't make it through the whole night on the beach. the wind coming off the Mediterranean was very cold. the Mediterranean is an ugly body of water. theres smoke that hovers above it and big rusty ships. it feels very much like a desert of water.
i moved up from the beach and slept on some crab grass behind some palm trees so i couldn't be seen from the street.  then when dawn came i emigrated to the train station to wait for the first train out of that town.
i think it left a mark on me. like the scar on a chin of a friend of mine who fell off his scooter in thailand. i think there is a mark on someone who slept somewhere exposed, urban
and unsafe. even though it was my choice. i chose that adventure. and i think it left a mark on me.

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