A million little b-holes shining in the night

there is no time
there is no apartment
it is only me
half drunk
putting dishes in the sink
performing surgery
on birds of prey

i am in quite the writey mood this morning. good for me. good for my brain. you know what i did? i drank some water before i went to bed. yeah, yeah thats the ticket. anyways, i wrote down my dream and then i wrote an email and i chatted online and now here i am writing this writing with my writing writing. i am so smart and amazing. and you know what else? i have to take a shit. a big shiny shit with sprinkles. oh its gonna be a doozy. a boozey doozy you floozy. yup, a nice big turd right in the old slop bucket. a brown gremlin. a dodge dart of a fart. a world apart. thats the poo that i'm gonna take. its probably gonna have some banh mi sandwich in there, some corn bread, some beans and tomatoes, some oranges, maybe some eggs and turkey bacon. look, the list goes on and on. whats important here is that i drank some coffee and it is giving my poo the old high step out the b-hole and into the ocean. thats where poo goes right? good, i thought so. i am writing this down pretty fast. does that mean that i'm going to regret it later? yeah! fuck yeah! i'm gonna regret the shit out of this. take that present. maybe i'll have donuts for my breakfast. or maybe for dinner. haha. silly slut joke from me. donuts are not dinner food, silly slut me. slut slut slut. fun word. real fun. i took out a yogurt to eat about an hour ago. i only kinda wanted to eat it then, but now it is warm and i have to poo. back in the fridge with you, you gay little yogurt cup. yup, someday these words will be famous and everyone will give me money blow jobs. perfect, perfect. ok, im done with this now.

Love,

2 of 2

a very old man died last saturday
surrounded by family in his bed
the moon shone on waves of grain
and the corn grew another leaf

 that old man was my dads dad, my grandfather. long for this earth he was. older than 90. three times as old as i am. 3.46 times as old as i am. maybe even more times older than i am. the last time i saw him we were at a hotel in new york. he bought me lunch. he was with his new wife of 30 years. we made small talk. his hearing was bad. gotta go back to work now. i love you, i'll see you later. well, that was a lie. the impending became the happening. we all die. we are all going to die. it will be specific when it happens to us. but the idea is so vague and far away. it is a horse on a hill and life is the yapping dog at our feet. dont kick the dog. dont ride the horse. go down to the river and go for a swim. let the sun burn your skin. you are in the desert. you are growing apples. this is your orchard. you are king of the bees. the bumps on your back are not an allergic reaction. thats just your body telling you you are narcissistic. some people want to feed that. some people will take your money and tell you your five greatest strengths. and then you sit at your computer and type away the time because you have good music on and you dont want to watch stupid television. its all so bad.

this is the moment you have been waiting for. all cold outside in the summer. all rain and gloom. all light and tomato plants. all potential. all dunks. well, someday you will break another bone. someday the problems of now will be the problems of then. you'll stop needing therapy and be old. you will accept things. you will peak. and then you will be on the glorious back slope. sliding down with your heels in the dirt. what can you do really to win the game? outlive the opponent. not in tennis. not in basketball. but in the real competition. in life. in the system of chaos. capitalism. marxism. buttholism. alcoholism. this is step two hundered and six oh four. i took four shits today. i wrote some letters and some emails. i told some lies. i smiled meekly. i accepted it. i woke up. i rode my bike. i woke my muscles up. a homeless man told me 'peace out man' and i looked him in the eye and smiled. peace out man. i dreamed i was in prison last night. then i got in my shitty car and drove away. my boots were too small.

these are very specific images in my mind. these are memories that shape my ideas about a part of the world and a part of my family. a part of my own father and a part of my life. a part of my childhood that is a mystery. i still dont know what that smell was. or why i pissed in the bath tub and thought he wouldnt notice.

last night before i called my sister and found out my grandfather had passed away i was riding my bike home in the dark after class. i thought about my own father, my grandfathers son. i thought about the day when he will pass away. and i thought i might play a tennis tournament for old men and win it in his honor. the thought was so beautiful and impossible that it made me cry. not pedaling, just letting gravity pull me down the hill to my home.

bowflex

shit on a tit with a zit on it. then the tit zit pops and the shit gets in the sore. the zit ooze is rushing out while the poo goo is rushing in. its a violent cross tidal cesspool of white blood cells and brown poo juice. the infection becomes infected. it grows and grows until...third tit. tit on tit next to tit. infection tit. i put my head in the haircut machine today. they've really worked out the kinks on those kinky little devils. my head is as clean and aerodynamic as an egg with wings. also that egg went through the dishwasher earlier, so it is clean and a little bit hardboiled and definitely not ever going to turn into a chicken. now my hats will fit more loosely and i will look like a true professional. stats it horrible, i guess you probably could have guessed. there is something about teachers with strong asian accents that schools find irresistible when searching for statistics teachers. its probably because probability being pronounced 'probabirity' is so goddamn funny. anyways, i will work hard and get an A. then i will shit on the teacher behind her back. no, i will start with shitting on the teacher behind her back and then get an A. to all things order must be assigned. be not jealous jew for i am creator of all things, yay. trying to loose all the chunk on my belly so as to reveal the stomach muscles. then i will be happy. oh the happy i will be. beans expand! shit son you dont even know. 6 cups makes a full bowl of beans. well this player knows what to pack when the apocalypse is nigh. some rice on the side. yum yum dum dum. lebron looks like am ubermensch. stronger, faster, smarter, meaner, funnier. if only i could have one more commercial shoved down my throat i'm sure i would be able to make a decision regarding the sandwich i should eat. is it subway? i have no way of knowing. my back cracks. i dunk. i take a dump. i bike. i eat. i clean. i cook. i am important. thank you nature. that sunshine does the trick. pimp.

someone is a grumpy gus, and the someone is me, gus. i went to the haircut store today. right here in my very own bathroom. it did not go too well. but not too bad either. just emotionally draining. maybe what i need to do is...oh i yeah. i definitely need to watch more tv. oh god tv. you are so very very good to me, i couldnt live without you. well, not again anyways. america is bad. television is really bad. i think it makes me bad too. my brain bad. my throat hurts. i lost at basketball. i start school tomorrow. i am dumb. and ugly. with a poorly shaped head. oh the shape of my head. so lumpy. god i wish i had a sweet super aerodynamic head that used the wind like a sail. this has not been helpful. fuck you writing.

hello introspection

not sick but morbid lifes too short
dont shorten it
stab me to death
with a fork for the sport of it
this sad behavior
dont encourage it

hello sad songs and introspection, hello the other side of the moon and mars hill church. hello the wah mee massacre and fake walt whitman rambling on and on. hello to feeling a little lonely. hello liquid sunshine falling from the sky forever and ever. hello the underbelly of seattle. hello good dreams and being home. hello starting school. hello uneasiness. hello absolute honesty. hello honesty so deep and sharp it cuts to shreds all the colors except silver and blue. hello my craziness. hello goodbye to my political aspirations. hello saying things that have an intended affect on others rather than what i really feel. hello resentment. hello the unknown. you've got a habit.

hello kansas sunset goodbye

Strangulated Hernia

I want to be taken seriously, and more importantly, take my work seriously.

I don’t want to focus on the failures of my past, but rather use negative energy to fuel rebirth

I understand the reason to put in effort is the expectation of a commensurate reward.

I have a legitimate chance of nailing it and I want to nail it!