Toney Bagels

The single best part of my day, any given day, is saying the term 'bitch maid'. It just brightens everything up.

Yesterday I was waiting on the elevator in my apartment to go get my laundry in the basement. Upstairs one flight I heard some commotion, someone banging on someone elses door. Then I hear a yell from up there 'aye man, hey bro, hey'. Well, that isn't ever a good sign and its never something I respond to. But, I happened to have some flip flop sandals on, so the mans voice yells again, 'bro, sandals, do you know where D3 is at?' Well, this is interesting, because a. I live in apartment 3D, and b. my girlfriend was expecting a package. Now, it is 1030 at night, and this person, were he a delivery man, is more ambitious than any delivery man I have ever encountered. But my interest was peeked. So I walk over to the bottom of the stairway and ask this person if he is delivering a package. The look on his chunky unshaven white face said fuck no, and his mouth said; 'nah, my ni--a lives there, I cant find him'. Aha, of course. 'Ok, well I dont think he's around here man' I say' 'why not yo, where the fuck is D3' 'well, I live in 3D and I dont think your...I dont think your friend lives there'. At this point the elevator shows up, small, cramped, slow elevator that it is. 'Hey wait, hold that elevator' the man says, and I do. He rambles down the stairs and comes right up to me. He is sopping wet with melted snow, he goes up to my chin and smells like cheap sweet wine. 'So you dont know Spanish rick?' 'no, I dont anyone named rick' so the man gets in the elevator, and though I think for a second about sending him off into the night on his own, the elevator is very very slow. So I decide to get into a compact space with no immediate escape route along with this intoxicated distraught stranger. 'my mans went to court today and I haven't been able to find him since, damn, I'm trying to find him' 'oh, wow' 'when I find him I'ma beat his ass' 'aha'. I had directed the elevator to the basement, and the man, drunk and distraught as he was, had neglected to press any buttons. So we arrived in the basement. 'where the fuck we at?' 'this is the basement, I'm getting my laundry' 'alright, be good' and the elevator doors closed and he was on his way.